I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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