my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
