Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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