I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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