she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
