I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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