He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Randomize
