I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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