Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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