I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
