I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Randomize
