I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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