Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
