I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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