is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
