there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
