In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
