Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
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