And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
