I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
