I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Randomize
