Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
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