ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
