apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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