i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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