This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
