My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
