singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
