I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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