Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
