watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
