??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
