Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
