The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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