i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
