My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
