ya dads aren't the best wingmen
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
