I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
