Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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