Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I intend to get homeless drunk
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
