I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Randomize
