Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
