It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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