I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
