my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
And then the night went full on bisexual.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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