Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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