I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
