Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
