I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Randomize
