forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
My balls are so social today.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
