just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
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